Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this