A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You Might Also Like
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
no regrets
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.