INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Ironic
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
☠️☠️☠️
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.