Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances