Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Carpe DM
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.