If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?