I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”