He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If I knew I鈥檇 have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Alexa, find me a cat who鈥檚 hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The theory that two stacked beds can鈥檛 be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Engineer: we鈥檝e done it. We鈥檝e created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
The game has officially changed 馃槑
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Why鈥檚 this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
hear me out- let鈥檚 have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you鈥檙e gone to keep the pets amused
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
There鈥檚 nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn鈥檛 be sticky & it is.