why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
brian had himself a morning…
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Do not levitate over flowers
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers