TWEET CALL
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
How do dragons blow out candles?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”