When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons