me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*