Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.