idk flipping houses looks really hard
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon