I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.