Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Who.
Did.
This?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi