imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car