Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME