Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?