Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party