Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Lucky old June.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I feel attacked.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget