Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Is this a threat?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.