Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.