Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
#Caturday
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens