the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
dutch is not a serious language
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.