[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.