I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.