Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Swedish for common sense.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday