“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant