HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?