Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me irl
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?