Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.