My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Schrödinger’s cookie
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?