You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys