Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.