I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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