After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I don’t get marriage
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The devil.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.