1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
You Might Also Like
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.