*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
A bold strategy
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I came this close!!!!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.