Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
You Might Also Like
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight