Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
yeah no that’s fair
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Cheers Twitter.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.