“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
hi why am I like this
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.