I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair