what if we kissed on the garfield couch
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.