My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
this is the news I live for
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Oh my god
dream blunt rotation
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.