Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*