Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
☺️
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty