JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”