[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
scrabbled eggs
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.