Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
we’re gonna need another temp
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
At an art museum and I thought this was art
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else